five things i know about sports
[1] I was born and bred in the San Francisco Bay Area. I landed in Boston in my early twenties, and threw my lot in with the Boston sports teams about five minutes later. Some people say this makes me a bandwagon fan. I say that if you’re going to live in Boston, worrying about being a bandwagon fan of the local sports teams is like worrying that you’re a bandwagon member of the PTA at your kid’s new school. I respect the proverbial guy who lives in Philly and watches Blazers games at 2AM with NBA League Pass, but there’s something about being able to step out onto the sidewalk anywhere in the city between April and October, say, “What’s the score?” and get an answer that’s essential to my love of sports.
[2] Being a lesbian and a sports fan has its benefits and its drawbacks. On the one hand, homophobia and professional athletes go together like peanut butter and jelly, and sometimes that hurts my feelings. On the other hand, when I ogle pictures of Erin Andrews on the internet, it’s not sleazy, it’s transgressive! And I can make as many “Gay-Rod” jokes as I want without fear of criticism.
[3] I believe in the importance of liking things not just despite but because they suck. My parents are San Francisco 49ers season ticket holders. They take a bus down to the games with a bunch of other long-time season ticket holders. Every year, on the last Sunday before Christmas, they sing Christmas carols on the bus with the lyrics changed to slag on Niners team ownership. (My personal favorite: jingle bells, John York smells.) To me, this is the epitome of sports fandom.
[4] I enjoy following baseball more over the course of a season, but I find football games to be a more actually enjoyable viewing experience. I used to say that basketball reminded me of the optical illusion with the vase and the kissing couple: everyone else could see the kissing couple but all I could see was the vase. I’m getting better, though. I still can’t figure out hockey.
[5] I love the K/9 statistic, safeties, offensive rebounds, making fun of Derek Jeter’s life-altering self-help book, 1PM games in any sport as an excuse to be in a bar at lunchtime, Bill Belichick’s hoodie and walking in the run. I hate Tony Dungy, the NFL overtime system, Lance Armstrong, people who think that steroids had a worse impact on the sacred records of Major League baseball than segregation and Joe Buck.
