don't quit, don't even quit.

When I fall asleep watching Monday Night Football, I always sleep like a baby. Unfortunately, I’m probably going to die alone & unloved.

Jon Gruden, please stop shouting at me!

In Case You’re Confused (Which You Definitely Are)

I spend more time than I would like doing the following 2 things:

• Listening to bad sports commentary
• Hearing about Brett Favre

As you can probably guess, the former has a lot to do with the latter, especially when watching a Minnesota game. See, sports commentators, I hate Brett Favre. A lot. And I know you don’t because you appreciate fundamentals, or because you’re old, or maybe because you’re white, and very definitely because talking about Brett Favre helps you fill miles of column inches/tv minutes during the NFL off-season. And because of this you seem not to understand why I hate him, which I get. But in order to alleviate some of the time I spend doing the things on that list up there and to help free up more of your time to be angry about steroids or whatever else you do, I would like to explain.

I do NOT hate Favre for the following reasons:

• Because he is not good at throwing a ball across a field
• Because he is “too old” or “washed up”
• Because he doesn’t have enough love for the game of football

So all the time you spend reminding me that he is a great quarterback (arguable) or chastising me for thinking old people should go off and die alone (possibly, that’s probably dependent on what happens with those death panels Obama likes so much), or how awesome it is to watch someone play who really cares (how you can see any emotion in that cold face, I do not know, but okay)? Wasted. It doesn’t matter. Even if you convinced me of all those things, which you probably could, I would still hate Brett Favre. Do you wanna know why?

Because he is either the least self-aware, most indecisive egotistical human being ever OR he’s an egomaniacal prima donna who can’t man up and be honest about what he wants. And, either way, he takes the NFL (or at least a team or two every season) and, more importantly, the ENTIRE sports media hostage every year while he decides whether to retire*. And no matter what you say, nothing will change that. If he stood up and said, “I might not be good at this, but I might, and I want to play, but I’m too old for training camp and I want a lot of money,” and then waited to see what happened, I would be thrilled to remain completely neutral on the subject of Favre. But he won’t. I don’t know why, I don’t really care. I just want him to SHUT UP.

Or, better yet, I want all the sports “journalists” to stop enabling him, but that seems like a bigger dream than that health care thing I mentioned earlier.

Until one of those things happen, I will continue to hate him. So, please just tell me what’s happening on the field and stop trying to convince me.

In other news? When it reaches the point where a team from Tennessee is forced to play football while wearing a picture of a Texas oil rig on their helmets, I think the AFL throwback shenanigans have gone far enough. I would lose miserably too if I wasn’t even wearing my own team name. Ridic.

*Kelly wonders what is wrong with him that he can’t just retire? Doesn’t he have anything else going on in his life? He has kids, a hot wife, and can be in Wrangler ads whenever he wants. And still, retirement just won’t stick. This is an interesting point and I suggest he develop a gambling problem. It seemed to work for other superstars who couldn’t let go of their sporting glory.

364 days out of 365, I hate Ray Lewis. But on the day when he sacks Brett Favre all the way back into the mid-90s ….

MNF asking Steve Young to compare tonight’s game to Niners/Chiefs MNF matchup in 1994. Oh, excuse me, I need to go self-cut.

When someone is running around the office, I say they’re “mobile in the pocket.” But everyone I work with is gay & so no one gets it.

Watching Tony Romo choke never fails to make me feel good about America.